IRELAND:15/03/12
How do I feel?
Two years ago, I had a beautiful life back in Spain that I couldn´t enjoy because Endometriosis. (sounds like the bad sister of Cinderella)
I had a family, my own business,...but my body was in automatic pilot trying to find the reason of why if I had everything I couldnt enjoy it. well... I couldnt because every day the first think that I thought when ever I opened my eyes was that I was in pain, tired, normally in a really bad form... I had to be all the time at the Doctor telling him what was going on with me, I had to explain all the time my pain, my anxiety, that I couldn´t eat, that I couldn´t rest, that sometimes I couldn´t walk...The answer was always the same one: "nothing is wrong with you Susana, there you have something to sleep".
One night I was in so much pain that afer two days on agony I went to the hospital 2 hours away from my house. The lights of the car didn´t work proper, it was raining and the movement of the road maked me sick and be in more pain. After hours of waiting in there in agony on a wheelchair, have test,... the Doctor came with the conclusion of why I was feeling that bad. He told me that my belly was full of gas, (fucking gas, certainly not laughing gas!!). I can´t express with words how I felt that day (stupid, silly, like a child...Gas?). Since that moment I really thought that I was mad. If nothing was wrong with my body why was I having that pain? was I imagining it? The embarrassment made me feel even worse, I got my jacket from the hospital room and whitout looking at the Doctor I said sorry to him and started laughing (it wasnt a happy laugh, it was a nervous laugh, I felt the most stupidest person in the world)
CALM. I feel so calm, I feel free, POSITIVE!!!!
I have walked a long path, next week I have THE appointment whit the specialist in Belfast, something that I have been waiting for for so long. (5 years) Two weeks ago I was kind of worried, now I dont.
I have done the difficult, now I´m ready to relax.
I´m running out of money, (I don´t care) because I know that something will come up, that I deserve to get better and I´m going to have it, don´t ask me why Im so sure cause, I just know. If you asked me how did I feel 2 years ago, my answer would have been: scared, trapped, sick, tired... but today I feel calm. I´m happy with myself.
I will write again tomorrow. xx
Darling Susana, you have had such a hard long journey but at last things are moving in the right direction. With all my heart I wish you all the best at the doctors appointment.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could be there with you. I am still wearing the leather bracelet that you gave me in Spain on women's day. You are a beautiful and strong woman. Your story is making me cry but I know you can do this. Miss you loads. Karen
Lovely Karen, we were talking not long ago but I dont know why last night just before I went to sleep I was thinking about you, maybe because I miss you too. I remember that day on women´s day I bought that thing for Daphne´s hair and the bracelet, nice memorys. I remember our chats, our fruty teas, Luck...
ReplyDeleteI´m sorry Karen. As I have said on the blog I was more concern at one point on my that on anything else that I might have hurt people that I love,(I know I have) but that is why I´m really enjoying doing this, because I´m saying how I felt, how I feel and I have a second chance to do things different and say sorry. This is my way to say sorry to all the lovely people that I love. Thanks for the wishis and yes you will be there with me, in my heart. All my love: Susana.
Beautiful Susana, You have absolutely no reason to say sorry to me. I have such wonderful memories of you and how you helped me feel a part of village life. You welcomed me into your home and showed me compassion and love. You were a huge contribution to my enjoyment of living in your wonderful village.
DeleteI should be saying sorry to you - I never fully understood what you were going through but was often worried about you.
I often think of the great times we had together and only wish I was still in Europe for I am sure you would have seen me in Ireland by now :-)
Loving your blog posts - keep doing them
love Karen xx