IRELAND: 14/ 3/ 12  




New day, new light, new life?


I had a dream last night:
I was free. I was half horse and half myself. I was galloping, I could feel the air on my face, I could feel the power of my own body, I could feel the strenth of my muscles, non stop, nothing could stop me. I stopped to have some water on a river near by, and I saw my reflection on the water. I looked like a Nimph, beautiful and strong. Long hair with a wreath of flowers on, white body horse...so, so strong.
Along came a man carrying a sword. I looked at him wanting to show him my power, and letting him know that I wasnt scared of him. He looked a bit scared.(I think you would be scared of a half woman half horse) Eventually, He became closer to me looking at me attentively, but with a shadow of uncertainty in His eyes. He was a hansome man He looked wild, like me. I had seen men before but I had never wanted to stop to looking at them. Why was He different? Why was I not scared?
So many men have tried to hurt me, to captivate me but, He was different it seemed different.
He put his sword on the floor and approached to me...He touched me!! I havent feel touched in ages and he did...


Then I woke up with the fire alarm off at 7:30 am and I looked around looking for this wild man and for my strengh and what I saw was this shit hole...shit, Im in my bedroom (well is not even mine) alone and I start feeling the pain of my body again, remembering where I am. Why I m here? How did I end up here, 4000 km away from home, from my family?
Well... it all have an explanition.
I came to Ireland on April last year. After a long fight with my doctors and family (they wanted to put me in a mental hospital) I decided to come here to try my luck with the doctors.
I came the 13 of April to Belfast. I didnt know the people that I was going to live with, I didnt know the system...But I needed to try...I needed another opportunity because at that point I was that bad that the only other solution that I had was die. I wanted to die.
On the 15 of April I had a diagnosis.
I reborned that day.
The Doctor told me for the first time that I have got Endometriosis. I was in shock as I had never heard about it ever before, but It was better than telling me that I was crazy, that doesnt have cure either but every body knows (or we think what crazy is when we dont). I went to Derry, I asked for help, I started to read about it, meditation, doing some exercises, joinng support groups (that I thank for their help)...
But I missed home, God!! my home, my family...where were they?
I was with medication from Spain and my doctor here put me in some other medication. I started to take Tramadol 50mg, 2-3 times a day, Mefenamic Acid 500mg 2-3 times a day, Ibrupofen (every time  I wanted to) Cocodamol, Codeine and paracetamol together, Vitamin B.....All that along with my sleeping tablets and  anti-depressant pills.(that I never needed)
On the 27 of May I had a nervous breakdown. (that is a long story)
But on the 25 of May, I woke up on the floor in the middle of the street, a boy on a bike stopped to help me, he called the ambulance and I dont remember nothing more (this is so dificult to tell).
When they let me out of the hospital I was crying like a child, I was desolated and no one was there. The Doctor gave me some money to take the bus back to the north as I didnt have a penny on my pocket (I didnt have planned to travel that day) I cried and cried all the way back on the bus and in the house and in my bed...I just wanted a hug, I needed a hug.


But I will finish the story later. Today I m a bit concerned about something else. I went to see the Doctor (again. I should marry him, I see him more than his wife sees him...lol) to take the results of the blood test and they have found that my right kidney is suffering.
I will write again tomorrow. xx